And so it is

As sometimes happens throughout the course of my living, I awoke today to the realization that I am presently mired in quite a shitty situation. Compounding the issue, of course, is the subsequent realization that the only person responsible for making a spate of progressivley bad decisions is, well, me. For as much as it would be nice to point fingers and place blame, the reality of the situation is that I am the only one accountable. In matters of life, love, and pet ownership, I have made choices that have significantly lessened the quality of my life at the moment. And, perhaps, the quality of life for others.

Typically following one of these realizations, I work quickly to change the circumstances. This work could involve anything from a diversionary temper tantrum to an extended road trip somewhere without cell phone service. Its not that I deal with the problem itself, and I certainly don't address the circumstances leading up to it, but rather, I find a way to rid myself of it.

Sometimes this ridding is a good thing. Some things just need to go, be over and done with. But other times, it seems that it would be prudent to take stock of how things came to be, in the interest of developing preventative measures. In the interest of becoming a more responsible and authentic person.

And so it is that I have undertaken the process of thinking about my thinking, and pondering the where's and whyfore's of the decisions I make. Ending up at the same place all the time gets a little tiresome, as do all the apologies to myself and others. It seems its time to try and figure some things out...or perhaps more rightly, admit some things.

There are in particular three aspects of the way in which I think and make decisions that appear to be inappropriate basis for sound, decisive, and right action in most matters.

One of my biggest challenges is that I tend to operate in the moment, and pay little consideration to consquence. If something feels good, looks good, sounds good, then I'm all about having it as soon as I can have it. Doing it as soon as I can do it. The moment becomes all that matters. And while I may give some deference to the next day, more often than not I decide to deal with whatever later. Its kind of like living on credit. Get it now, figure out a way to pay for it next month.

Of course, this inevitably leads to an indebtedness that becomes burdensome. As the multitude of moments grows, so does the impact of the consequence. At some point it becomes clear that there is no way in hell you are going to get out from under the debt without some painful sacrifices, those sacrifices being the moments you had grown accustomed to living in.

Similarly, I also find that despite my ability to recognize that I may live in a moment which will ultimately extract from me more than I have to give, I always think that this time it will be different. This time, things will be different. This time I can trust a little more. This time I will be vindicated. I will believe wholeheartedly, and with great passion, that this time it will be different. This time I will not be vexed in the end. This time, I will be happy. This time I know a little more than I did before. This time...all will be well.

This is an incredibly dangerous way of thinking, to be sure, and even more so because it so clearly requires a healthy level of complete denial in order to maintain functions. Even though the pattern of behavior has been firmly established, and even though a rational part of me can acknowledge that there is no difference to be had, I will still choose to act in ways that lead to disappointment and frustration, believing quite foolishly, "not this time"

And I do this, I think, because I have misunderstood hope, mistaken need for truth. I do this because I need something, whether its a sense of comfort or whether its to feel loved, or whether its to make myself believe that everything to this point has not been a failure. Maybe its to convince myself that I can participate in my life meaningfully, rather than just have it happen to me. Maybe its because I don't really ever believe in myself enough to not do it.

Whatever the case may be, I altruize my decisions and actions. I believe that what I am doing reflects a greater purpose, a hopefulness, secures a happiness. But the fact of the matter is that I am trying to make wrongs right, I am trying to convert falsehoods into truths so that I don't have to feel hopeless, so that I don't have to wonder what the hell I am going to do. So I don't have to deal with the debt of consequence.

The irony of course is that I more frequently than not DO end up wondering what the hell I am going to do, I DO end up disappointed and frustrated, I DO end up hoping a little less, believing a little less. I DO end up burdened by the consequence. I DO end up missing out on the thing I was looking for.

And so it is that now, in this state of realization, I am compelled to contemplate another decision-to decide when enough will be enough. To decide when, exactly, I'll give myself a little more deference than what I have been. To decide when, exactly, I will grow the hell up and do the right thing.